While my mother was pregnant with me, she caught my father cheating on her with her half-sister. The problems, however, did not start there. Both of my parents came from a chaotic upbringing as my mother lost her mother at a very young age and my father’s father was an alcoholic. His siblings were also involved with crime and drugs. Needless to say, they were wounded children themselves who never received the help or support that they truly needed.
My childhood was extremely chaotic. Violence was a daily part of my life and I was consistently subjected to extreme beatings from both of my parents from a very young age and well into my teenage years, until I finally left home. By the age of 7 years old, I had already seen and experienced extreme variations of abuse, all of which were deeply wounding and have followed me throughout my life.
My father eventually left my mum to be with my aunty, and my mother has never really gotten over the whole ordeal. We were thrown from one house to the other throughout our childhood while being used as manipulative tools for our parents, leaving us to feel unwanted and out of place. My mother, however, has never accepted the fact that my aunty took great care of us and, has always resented me for having a good relationship with my aunty.
As you would expect, I was a rebellious teenager. Studying was far from the top of my priority list as drugs and alcohol became a larger part of my life. I even tried to run away from home on a few occasions.
Despite all of the drama and chaos, we were provided with everything we needed financially. We attended good schools, lived in a nice neighbourhood and, on the outside, everything was perfect. Sometimes, people believe that the kind of violence and abuse my family endured only happens in poor and uneducated communities. In our case, it certainly was not that way.
When I left home at 19 to come to Australia, I experienced a great sense of freedom, relief and happiness. The first few years were so much fun and I was on top of the world. Unfortunately, however, wounds and past troubles always come knocking back if you don’t take time to care for them, which is exactly what happened to me.
Deep down, I always wanted to be the good girl who was accepted and loved for who she was and, this is exactly the person I worked to be. I studied hard, found a stable relationship and started a family. Finally, my family was proud of the woman I was becoming and, I finally felt like a “decent” person.
Something never felt right. The feeling of not belonging was pervasive, as I always felt like something was missing and that there was a deeply rooted sense of unhappiness just below what appeared to be a happy life. When I became a parent, these feelings all came crashing down, challenging me in every way and awakening some of my old wounds. In my mind, I had this beautiful image of what being a mum would look like, but the struggle with it was beyond comprehension.
I had already confronted my past and had found peace and healing through therapy. However, even though I felt forgiveness toward my parents, there was still a large hole inside me. The way that I saw the world, lived my life and reacted on a daily basis were a loud cry for help in filling all of the needs left unfulfilled. The negative self-beliefs, which I like to call layers of bullshit, that were imprinted on me throughout my life, continued to hold me back and clouded my actions, especially when it came to being a mum. It wasn’t healthy.
There is a common saying that “like attracts like” and, of course, it is no surprise that my husband also had a very dramatic family life himself. He grew up in a toxic environment with drugs, an extremely violent brother, and a mother who supported the destruction his brother caused for the entire family.
Together, neither of us had any family support in the midst of raising two children with drama all around us.
My body finally gave into the stress, which was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
After a few very stressful months dealing with drama from Michael’s family, we found ourselves on the bottom of what seemed to be a black swamp. I found myself in a hospital with a kidney stone (yes, just a kidney stone) that changed my life forever. I was in hospital alone and feeling sorry for myself as I resented everyone around us for adding to our stress rather than supporting us. I had no one with me in the hospital as Michael took care of the kids at home. I didn’t even have a change of clothes. I felt lonely, abandoned and very sad.
At the same time, two guys shared the room with me who had just gone through surgery to battle life threatening cancer. They were remarkably positive, leaving me to feel horrible about carrying on about just a kidney stone. Needless to say, I was inspired by their outlook on life.
From that moment on, I decided to take responsibility for both my life and my happiness. I promised to no longer live a life as a victim. I realised that I was responsible for what I allowed in my life, deciding right then and there to step up and look after my health. I quickly discovered and accepted the fact that what you don’t do for yourself, no one will do for you. I vowed to never feel sorry for myself again.
I found strength that I never knew I had as I turned my life around. For the first time ever, I made myself a priority and began to exercise, change my diet and started looking for a job.
During my first job interview, I had another moment of realisation. Within a group setting, I received a piece of paper with a simple question:
“Who has inspired you in your life and why?”
I sat, paper in my hand, stunned as I desperately tried to figure out who this person was. No one came to mind. Instead, all I could say was:
“I’m trying to think of someone here, but all that comes to mind is ‘me.’ I have been through so much and I still managed to come very far to be who I am today.”
Listening to those words coming out of my own mouth were very empowering as I finally saw myself for who I was and not for what I had previously endured. I did get the job and I met some very amazing women who continued to inspire and support me through my journey of growth. I am forever grateful for that valuable step in my life.
I began studying life coaching where I continued to explore my inner world and everything that I had to offer. I cut anything out of my life that brought me down, made boundaries and no longer allowed people to have the power to make me feel bad or victimised. I was on the driver’s seat of my life and it felt incredible! I was strong, proud, positive and had a sense of transformation running through my veins. Through my own experience with my life coach, I continued to explore those layers of bullshit and remove them bit by bit, causing me to feel my potential. I knew that I could do so much more with my life than I ever imagined.
I transformed internally and externally. I no longer wanted to be the good girl everyone accepted. I finally allowed myself to simply be myself and be proud of who I was. I was free. I was light. I found peace.
I rediscovered my sense of fun and learned to connect with my children on a meaningful level. Through my personal coaching, I connected to my own inner child and was able to give her what she was lacking by fulfilling those needs from the inside rather than the other way around. I allowed myself to be a child again, playing like there was no one watching. I finally started enjoying motherhood and seeing the beauty in life. I was living in the present. I was out of my head. I was ready to give my gift to the world.
That gift is to remind you that, yes, you can live a happy life regardless of your past. No, you do not have to suffer alone or carry all of the weight of your past forever. You can turn your life around and be who you want to be by letting go of all the layers of bullshit. You can be the best parent you can be (not perfect) by being present and ready to love life.
If you are ready to turn your life around and say, “Enough is enough,” I will walk with you on your journey. I will help you remove the layers of bullshit as you find access to all of your internal resources that will allow you to create a life you love by finding direction, purpose and strength to follow your dreams.