This morning as I dropped my little guy off to “big school” I was watching him do the morning dance with his little friends and copying all the moves the teacher was making. Only last week I saw him hold my leg during dance time as he was still feeling very uncertain and unsure of this whole new big school thing.
Watching him this morning gave me this overwhelming feeling of emotions which is quite hard to describe but I will try…
You know when your heart feels so tight, it feels like your chest is sinking in, in this big shake up of emotions and amazement at how wonderful childhood is (or it is supposed to be). As my eyes filled up with tears, I was holding myself together and feeling my heart fill with love for that beautiful moment that was happening just in front of my eyes.
When the teacher announced that they were off to the Library and for Italian lessons, I watched them all get up and readily line up with this excitement in their eyes of exploring something new. I stood there motionless as this discharge of memories took over my body and I started having those flashbacks of my days at school.
The library, the english lessons, the science lab, all of the fun things we got to do while we were at school. I watched their innocence, their sense of wonder and that confident look in their eyes as they knew they were safe where they were and they were ok to let mummy go for the day.
Now I don’t want to sound like a mummy that was struggling to leave her baby behind or wondering about how fast he was growing, that was not what was happening, I was in fact quite happy to have some time for myself and enjoy the quiet time to do the things that I don’t get to do when they are around. But what I believe was happening was an actual moment of grief, grief for a childhood that was not safe, a childhood that was not loving, a childhood that was filled with moments of sadness and fear. All I wanted to do in that moment was to actually sit down with the kids and go back to school, it was like my inner child was telling me that I wished I could do that again now that I am safe and loved.
Oh how different my childhood would have been had I grown up in a stable environment, how different my struggle with the whole schooling have been. I would have possibly enjoyed the process and not let myself believe for so many years that I was dumb and stupid.
Now there are a couple of reasons as of why I am sharing this with you today….
I firstly want you to know that you are not dumb and/or stupid. If you didn’t grow up in a very supportive environment, chances are that you have struggled with the whole schooling thing.
Perhaps you struggle to believe that you can achieve anything and you get left in this stuck sea of inability to complete anything you start or to even start anything (that be a course, a business idea or even staying in the same job for a reasonable amount of time).
Listen to me….
YOUR PAST DOES NOT DEFINE HOW FAR YOU CAN GO AND HOW MUCH YOU CAN DO IN THIS LIFETIME!
Your past was part of your experience to bring you to where you are today. Your struggles taught you to be strong, independent and fierce. Remind yourself of that every time you start feeling sorry for yourself.
YOU ARE THE HERO OF YOUR OWN JOURNEY, so instead of feeling stuck and sorry for yourself about how unlucky you are and how much shit you went through, start by picking up your pieces, and by that I mean, picking up the pieces that you didn’t believe you had because of all the shit you went through.
Those pieces may include intelligence, creativity, strength, power, compassion, confidence. Whatever it is that you admire in people around you, what you don’t think you have and what you wish you did. Because guess what?
YOU HAVE IT, its there, hiding underneath the mug of baggage that is pulling you down. Those negative thoughts, that dread of life, that daily struggle and all that is holding you back can and may be due to the baggage of your past.
You need to RELEASE that shit, you need to let it go. You need to give yourself the love and compassion that you deserve. You need to show yourself that you are no longer living that life that made you believe all those things about yourself.
You need to show your inner child that she is safe and protected (by you).
Feeling unsafe as a child will make that unsafeness stay stuck in your body for as long as you let it sit there. You know that anxiety, that restlessness, that empty and lonely feeling that you have even when everything is fairly ok in your life? ! Well, that is there because your experience is still stuck in your body. You are still believing that you are unsafe even thought you have come to be completely safe in life as an adult.
I could go on and on about this because it truly is something so important. There is nothing worst than living a life carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders because you don’t know how to deal with it and because you haven’t been able to let go of those wounds that are still dragging you down and holding you back.
And trust me, I know you have tried to let it go, I know you have tried to forgive and forget, BUT you need support, you need professional help to do so. And it’s not a one of thing, it may be something that goes through stages. You may get some help and overcome a few things in your life and then suddenly something will start feeling wrong again and you will believe that it will never be over, that no one will ever be able to help you and that you are doomed to live the rest of your life like this crazy mess that you feel you are.
It doesn’t have to be that way, you don’t have to feel like that forever and you definitely don’t have to feel like you are always struggling and battling a lost cause.
Things can be different. You can find peace. You can free yourself from your own mind dramas and lack of motivation for life in general. But you can’t do it own your own, and trust me, any step forward is A step forward.
NO ONE will save you but YOU, stop waiting for something magical to happen that will take all your problems away. YOU are the one and only responsible and capable person to change your own life and to change the route of your life story.
You have to have courage to say yes to yourself and to a life of ease where you can break through those old patterns and free yourself from all the baggage and drama that you are carrying around with you. And YOU can do it. It may not be always easy and fun. It may not be a walk in the park, but it certainly will be better than living the rest of your life like you are living today. It will certainly make you discover amazing things about yourself and how much you are capable of.
And the lightness, ohhhh the lightness that comes from letting go of all the baggage is priceless.
Living a life that actually feels right and enjoying each day as it comes. Taking steps forward and doing things you actually love (even thought you can’t even think of one right now)… That will come with a clean mind, a mind that is not always alert and racing all the time.
So what I have to tell you, is to PLEASE get help. Find a therapist that can help you and that you feel comfortable with. Take steps forward, dump a bit of this weight of baggage, let yourself breathe and feel the joy of life.
If your financial situation is not allowing you to get a particular help that you are after, reach out, look for alternatives and community services, there is so much available out there if you look for it. I started my healing journey in 2007, my first therapist was actually a student in a psychotherapy college. There is soooo much out there if you look for it, you just need to want to help yourself first, everything else will follow.
If you believe I may be the therapist that matches your needs, reach out to me. If you need help finding someone, reach out to me. I am here to help you and guide you in any way I can, and I will do it. Trust me, there is nothing that makes me happier than watching people rise against their own limitations and life dramas.
You can do this!
Let me know if I can help you in any way. Whether it is exploring what may be the best help for you right now (there are many approaches out there and I have experienced plenty). Or whether I may be able to help you right now. Life is way too short to struggle with drama. Break yourself free, its worth it, I promise!
Just leave a note bellow or send me a private message by clicking here, let me know if I can help you in any way, I would love too. And if you know someone struggling who might benefit from this, please do share it with them (there is a sharing button just bellow).
Lots of love